Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
“Joe” and I dated for a while many years ago, and the relationship morphed into a deep and loving platonic friendship. We’re both in our late-60s and not interested in finding other partners. We have never shared finances or lived together, but a few years ago we got married so he could be on my employer-provided insurance.
Joe was laid off months ago, and unemployment payments have run out, so his only income is Social Security. He has been diligently looking for a job, but prospects aren’t good for someone his age in his field. Consequently, I am helping to support him, which is a financial hit for me. I send him money every month, with no strings attached, and I know he is deeply grateful. The issue for me is that he is NOT good with money. For example, instead of putting out a mousetrap, he hired an exterminator. We have never interfered with or commented on each other’s financial habits, and I’m not comfortable with telling him what he may spend money on now. It would be a radical change in our relationship. Joe is already deeply depressed and struggling, and my becoming “wifely” now would really damage our relationship. He desperately needs to be self-supporting again, but neither of us has a solution. Any advice?
—Don’t Want to Support Him; Doesn’t Want to Be Supported
Dear Don’t Want to Support Him,
You already know you’re not obligated to go beyond what you’ve already done for Joe, and it sounds like he’s aware of the problem, too, so it’s good that you’re not dealing with someone who doesn’t appreciate your generosity. I think you’re right not to police the way he spends money, especially since you don’t live together and have no shared finances. If you want to help Joe beyond what you’re already doing, I think you can try to help him with his job search and model what good spending looks like, but resist the temptation to send more money than you’re already sending. It will just make you more anxious about your own finances, and possibly resentful.
You’re close enough that I assume you’re also aware of and have relationships with some of the other people in Joe’s life, and supporting someone who’s depressed and struggling shouldn’t fall to you alone. A lot of people don’t like to ask for help (because they find it embarrassing, or it’s an ego blow to admit they need it) but there’s nothing to stop people around Joe from offering support, and emotional support is just as important in this situation as financial support. Depression affects the way we make decisions and our ability to motivate ourselves, which in turn can make it hard to spend responsibly or keep up a job search that hasn’t yielded any results so far. You’re already going above and beyond for Joe, but if you’re determined to do more, focus on his needs that aren’t financial.
—Elizabeth
Classic Prudie
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