Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My fiancé and I are excited to get married, but we can’t agree on one important thing: getting a prenup. I come from a family of women who have been left in sticky situations after marriage: My aunt got sick and had to leave the workforce and my uncle got almost everything when he divorced, my dad passed away and left everything to his mistress, and my grandma was a homemaker who was left with very little when my grandpa left her at 68. I want to avoid those things as much as I can, for either of us! My fiancé is the child of divorced parents but it was more equitable. I love him, we’ve done good premarital counseling, and I think we have a solid chance of a long happy marriage, but I also believe in preventing problems when possible. He’s superstitious about a prenup as a predictor that we won’t last. We make the same money! It’s just a document to protect us both and split it 50/50! What can I do? This is an actual dealbreaker for me. I deeply love this man but I’ve seen some ugly and broken situations in my family and I don’t want to be worrying about them if something goes sideways.
—Unsure
Dear Unsure,
I know you already know this, but agreeing to sign a prenup does not mean you are signing off on a doomed marriage.
Over the years of writing this column, I have seen couples get into some tough scenarios like the ones you described above. Seeing up close and personal what divorce can do to your finances is reason enough for wanting a prenup. Grief brings out the worst in people, and if you should ever decide to part ways, you’re absolutely right that this sort of document is protecting both of you from yourselves. I think that’s where the disconnect lies. He might be seeing it as you wanting protection from him and not as a move that is meant to protect both of you.
One way that I moved the conversation about a prenup forward in my own life is by talking to my partner about the assets both of us bringing into our marriage. In the case of divorce, he can’t touch my business, and I can’t touch his company stocks. By helping my partner realize we both have skin in the game, it was easier to decide to move forward as a team. Are there assets, or potential assets, where you can do the same in a conversation with your fiancé?
If this is an actual dealbreaker for you, you need to discuss this (and make that clear) in your premarital counseling journey. Have a mediator constructively walk you both through scenarios and each of your thinkings. Hopefully, he’ll be able to clearly communicate his fears about the prenup because I have a feeling it’s more than just a simple superstition. With clear communication, trust, and a good attorney, you can hopefully put this behind you and start thinking about that upcoming wedding instead.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I am a teacher and I’m becoming another statistic. I thought I would be in education until I retired, but this year I have hit the burnout wall HARD. I’m crying at work and I’m dreading going every day. I’m in therapy to try to make it until the end of my contract. I never thought I’d be in this position. There have been several administration changes, not for the best if I’m honest, and I know for sure I need to leave my district if I’m going to stay teaching. (High school is the only grade level I want to teach and I know I don’t want to work for these principals.) But right now, I don’t know if I want to keep teaching. I have a plan—resign at the end of this year and see what works out. If all else fails, I am a special education teacher in the biggest metro area of my state and SPED teachers are ALWAYS in demand. I could apply in mid-August and get a job because I have a pulse and an endorsement—and 15 years of experience. I actually make a decent salary because I have two advanced degrees in education. I worry I won’t find something comparable, or that I will miss a job that’s right for me because I am not looking in the right place. How do I find a different job?
—Back to the White Board
Dear Back to the White Board,
It really sucks that you feel you’re becoming another statistic in the field of education. You’re absolutely right that special education teachers are always an in-demand position and you’ll most likely be able to secure a gig even if it’s left to the last minute. But instead of just handing in an unsigned contract this spring, take the time from now through May to come up with a more solid exit strategy.
If you do want to give another district a chance, a lot of school districts now work with staffing and recruitment agencies to help secure talent so there are recruiters looking for people just like you. The National Association of Independent Schools has a great list of staffing agencies to help you get started in that search. You can also try entering “your city or state plus education recruiter” in a search engine as well as on LinkedIn to see what comes up. As for a career pivot, consider looking into education-adjacent organizations and fields. You might look into the Department of Education in your state or another youth-focused organization where your skills as an educator would be transferable.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m overwhelmed by the cost of weddings! For context, I got engaged a few years ago, but haven’t gotten married yet because my fiancé and I are saving up some money for the wedding. We’ve saved up quite a bit now (say around $20,000). But every time I start to look into venues, food prices, flowers, dresses, photographers, etc. I get completely overwhelmed by the cost of everything and immediately stop looking. I know I need to book a venue sooner rather than later because of the long wait times. So how do I feel better about spending all this money? Is there a way to make a budget (and actually stick to it)?
—Wedding Blues
Dear Wedding Blues,
As someone who is in the midst of wedding planning myself, I get it. I’m not sure when weddings got so expensive. There are a few ways that I’ve been able to cut costs as well as get more comfortable when it comes to spending money on our big day.
First, pick three things that are really important to you when it comes to your wedding. Once you’ve decided what those are, then you’ll know where you can cut costs to stick to your budget. For us, it was the date we tied the knot, a venue that could accommodate our guests comfortably despite the temperature outside, and the ability to pick our own outside food vendor. This meant trading off a convenient venue location for a cheaper rate elsewhere and forgoing the option to serve alcohol (I know, I’m groaning too), but it’s going be worth it when we’re eating food that’s actually hot after I walk down the aisle.
Other ways you can cut costs to stick to your wedding budget are sizing down the guest list (listen, if they didn’t give me their address like I asked them to, they’re not a priority), serving a non-traditional desert, asking a friend to be the DJ, or skipping traditional wedding attire for something simpler. Just know that whatever you decide, it’s perfect because the day is about love. So if you forgo a traditional wedding for something more you like a backyard BBQ, just know as long as you and your partner love it, that’s all that matters.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
My brother is engaged to a really wonderful woman. The problem is that she shares my relatively common first name. It’s a common-enough name to the point that I am used to being in groups with other people with the same name, and it generally doesn’t bother me. However, I have been surprised that it does bother me quite a bit to deal with this confusion in my family. I’ve said jokingly a couple of times that we need to find a nickname for her, but she hasn’t suggested one.
